


Cutthroat Kitchen "Not in the Calzone" Alpha Kids Edition

by imsorrycantrelate



Series: Cutthroat Kitchen Fandom Fics (Homestuck) [2]
Category: Cutthroat Kitchen - Fandom, Homestuck
Genre: Bad Cooking, Comedy, Competition-Set Fic, Cooking, Death, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-11
Updated: 2017-03-21
Packaged: 2018-09-23 14:45:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9661955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imsorrycantrelate/pseuds/imsorrycantrelate
Summary: This is an audio transcript of the second unaired episode of Cutthroat Kitchen in a dream bubble right before the events of endgame. The intentions of Jane may or may not be influenced by the Betty Crocker company. Viewer discretion of (mostly) bleeped swears is advised.





	1. Round One: Calzone

**Author's Note:**

> This is the second episode of this series, so some of the events might make more sense if you read the [ first transcript ](http://archiveofourown.org/works/9588713) first.

Jane: I have one hundred thousand dollars of cold hard cash in this case. 4 chefs get $25,000 each. If they want to leave this kitchen ali-I mean, with any of the cash, they have to survive 3 culinary challenges, and each other! In a game where sabotage is not only encouraged, it’s for sale. It’s a game we like to call, “Cutthroat Kitchen”.  
*cuts to and fro from clips from last episode*  
John: hey, im back from last episode, partially because i wanted to try this again, partially because jane forced me to be here against my will   
*John floats in, this time carrying a case of knives he “borrowed” from Dave. He sighs, realizing that they’re all broken.*  
Roxy: hullo, im chef roxy, and im a *dramatic music plays* recovering alcoholic and i am still learning how to overcome it, but learning how to cook is something important to me, expecially cause no one i know can cook anyway, im glad to know that these lovable losers are who im going against *especially  
*Roxy wears a pink chef’s outfit. Roxy and John wave at each other. Then they look up at the stairs.*  
Dirk: I am ready to kick all of your asses. *glasses shine as he walks down stairs, wearing a parisian style chef’s outfit carrying a briefcase and a katana at his side. The sleeves of his chef’s apron are ripped to his shoulder and he is wearing fingerless gloves. He stands next to Roxy, glancing at John, then sharpens his katana with the sharpening blocks in his brief case.* I am a trained parisian chef, so I will have the most expertise out of this group. That dude over there, the dork with the glasses, he used luck to win. Don’t think I’m not going to take him down first.  
Roxy: haha, Dirk, you look like a french hoity toity guyy like you’ve never been to paris, paris drowned you don’t need to put up the whole touf guy act *tough  
*Roxy continues to makes fun of him, looking back at John for him to agree with her.*  
Jake: Cheerio! my name is jake english i guess im chef jake for this huh and im here to have fun with my pals and have jolly good time torturing each other before *off camera muttering* i guess im not supposed to mention it.   
*Jake walks in in a green chef’s suit and a case of guns and knives. Jane sighs while taking the guns from him.*  
Jake: Hello pals. its a nice day to have some friendly rivalry and competition, wouldn’t you agree roxy? and dirk? and um, j-john? jane, dear, why is he here? shouldn’t you be competing?   
Jane: You really thing I was going to pass up the opportunity to watch all of you idi-guys have fun? I don’t think I’d be able to handle any of this, but good luck. *she smiles mischievously* So now that we have all of our chefs, I would like to welcome all of you to Cutthroat Kitchen! I am Jane Crocker-  
*Roxy and Jake wave and say hi. Jane squints her eyes, clearly annoyed.*  
Jane: And I am the host of Cutthroat Kitchen. And here I have *she opens the briefcase next to her* $100,000 in cold hard cash. Each of you will get $25,000 to use throughout the game, but be careful, because you will only take whatever cash you have left.   
*She goes up to each of them, starting at John. John laughs, flapping around the money that has no real value to him. Roxy takes hers, wondering why George Clooney is on it, Dirk counts his money carefully, and Jake holds his to his chest.*  
Jake: I am not spending a penny until the second round, or else ill have naught enough money to last the whole game   
John: man, i love this money jane keeps giving us, it looks so real haha *John starts flapping his earnings from last episode into the camera, then half of the stack falls out of his hands and ends up on the floor* f⬜ck not again  
Roxy: yeah, the monkeys nice and all, but im here for the pride and the fact that Jane said something about killing me if i dont *moneys f⬜ck  
Dirk: I’m not here for the money, I’m here to defeat my rival, the only other one of that I think has a chance of defeating me.   
*Dirk glances at John, but when John notices Dirk looks away.*  
Jane: Okay, so once I tell you the dish you will be serving our judge you will have 60 seconds to grab all of the items you need from the pantry, then I will sell you a variety of sabotages that you can buy and give to your rivals. Everyone got that? Okay, the item you will be cooking for the first round is...calzones!   
*Dirk and Roxy are the first to get into the pantry, with Jake awkwardly behind and John taking his time. Everyone but Dirk has no idea what they’re supposed to be looking for. Jake clears his throat to ask Jane a question.*  
Jane: *visibly sighing* Pizza rolls. Think Pizza rolls.   
*John and Roxy say “ahh” and nod their head. Jake shrugs, still not understanding the concept of a pizza in the form of a roll, but continues to look for his ingredients.*  
Dirk: I grab the pre-made dough, since sadly I don’t have the time to make it from scratch, then the sauce, mozzarella and parmesan cheese, and some classic toppings, such as olives, tomatoes and a somewhat controversial choice, pineapples. It doesn’t really matter what is in the calzone, as much as the technique implemented.   
*Dirk slowly walks up behind John, who is standing in front of the pineapple cans while looking for spices. John waves at him, but then Dirk aggressively pushes him out of the way so he can grab the pineapple. He walks out of the pantry, but not before grabbing a 2-liter bottle of orange soda and twisting off the cap.*  
Roxy: i go for some more classic tastes, such as mozarela chese and peperoni, but then i add some prosciutto and some added garlic. i make sure to grab plenty of spices, since that is a highly improtant part of this dish.   
*Roxy shoves off entire rows of spices into her basket, then grabs her meat, dough, garlic sauce and one clove of garlic. She looks at the row of alcohol, but then decides not to use any.*  
Jake: Im fairly sure that these um pizza rolls must be some kind of american??? idea??? i just grab what my pals grab, just like john did   
*Jake and John are the slowest of the group. Jake follows around everyone else, looking at what they’re grabbing. He tries to remember what a pizza is. He ends up with dough, sausage, four cheese sauce, garlic and onions. John is playing around with spray cheese, reminiscing. He eventually grabs a packet of shredded cheese, pepperoni sausage, pizza sauce and dough. They run out just in time, Jane shutting the door behind them. They finish settling down. Dirk begins to sweat nervously when he looks down at his basket.*  
Dirk: I-I forgot the dough. I was sure I grabbed it. F-  
*He looks at everyone else’s baskets, seeing that even John and Jake remembered the dough. Roxy snickers, noticing his mistake. Jane coughs to grab their attention, then knocks on the freight elevator behind her. It reveals a basket.*  
Jane: So, hoo hoo, this is a simple but fun one. If you buy this sabotage, you can take one item away from another chef! No matter how much they have! Diabolical, don’t you think?   
*They all just sort of laugh along, except for John, who actually knows what they will be forced to experience down the line.*  
Jane: Bidding starts at $800!   
Jake: $1000!  
Jake: I might have forgotten about the um not spending a penny thing  
Roxy: $2000!  
Roxy: i decide to bid because i know exactly the ingredient i would take  
Dirk: $3000!  
Dirk: This small thing wouldn’t really faze me, but knowing Roxy, she’d barely handle not having salt in her food.  
*John blinks solemnly as he waits for the bidding to die down.*  
Roxy: $3,500!   
Dirk: $3, 600!   
Roxy: $4000!   
Dirk: $4,100!   
Roxy: $5,000!!!  
Jane: And the basket goes to Roxy for $5,000! Come up chef and hand me that 5 grand. And here is your basket, take from any whom you would like.   
*Roxy takes the basket, then looks at each of the contestants. She looks at Jake, who still seems dazed and confused, then at Dirk, who is crossing his arms to hide his nervous sweat, and John, who is looking around at the set and playing with the basket handle. Roxy walks up to Dirk, then commandeers to the left to Jake.*  
Jake: Oh jiffy. f⬜cking splendid dear what would you like?   
Roxy: oh, not much, just some garlic *she grabs the two cloves he has. The others are confused, but Roxy smirks. Jane takes the garlic.*  
Jane: Onto the next one, I suppose. *she knocks on the door, revealing pre-cooked crust, cookie dough and puffed pastry. All of the brands are crossed out and replaced with a cut copy of the Betty Crocker brand logo.* One of the fundamental parts of a calzone, is the fact that its rolled like a pastry instead of being flat like a pizza. Now, with the puffed pastry, you could do that somewhat, but with the cookie dough, it might be a tad sweet and with this pre-cooked crust, well, you could say it's almost impossible. Bidding starts at $1000.   
Dirk: $2000.  
Dirk: I need this sabotage, especially considering…  
*Dirk looks at his basket. Roxy sees this, and casts her hand in the bid.*  
Roxy: $3000!   
John: oh, um, $3,100.   
*Dirk and Roxy glance at him, forgetting he was there. John is trying to read the packaging of his ingredients, trying to figure out how to open them.*  
Roxy: $4000!   
Jane: $4,000, $4,000 and sold for $4,000!   
*Roxy hands the $4,000 to Jane, pleased with herself. She grabs all the items, then thinks of who to give what. She gives the puffed pastry to John, the cookie dough to Jake and the pre-cooked dough to Dirk.*  
Dirk: As soon as I’m handed this incredibly gourmet, delicacy I immediately think of-  
Dirk: (muttering) f⬜ck  
John: im actually cool with this, i can handle pre-packaged instructions a little better than from scratch. just got to figure out how to use these ovens  
Jake: what american bull...this dough is barely conceivable to use for tea biscuits, nonetheless a pizza, im sure  
*Jane smiles, then moves onto the next and final item. From out of the elevator, she brings out pizza rolls. All of them look confusedly at the box. Jane chuckles throwing the box down on the table.*  
Jane: Now, you could say that pizza rolls and calzones are nearly identical. And you would be mistaken, because pizza rolls are-  
Roxy: disgusting...  
John: my life  
Jane: nevermind I won’t finish that sentence then. But that’s not important anyway. If you manage to buy this sabotage, you can force one of your opponents to use these pizza rolls FOR THEIR FILLING AND THEIR SAUCE.   
*She slaps her knee from laughing so much. Dirk and Jake confusedly look at each other, wondering how that is possible. Meanwhile, Roxy and John, having dealt with this survival situation before, brace for it. John uses Jake and Dirk’s distraction to start bidding.*  
John: $3000!  
Dirk: (broken out of his daze) $5000!   
Jake: $5,100?!  
*Roxy sits back, watching the chaos unfold.*  
John: $6000!   
Dirk: $8000!!!   
*He throws the pineapple in the air and cuts it in half with his katana, distracting everyone long enough that the bid ends. He gains his cool again, adjusting his glasses, then walking over to grab the pizza rolls. He walks over and drops the box into Roxy’s basket. Roxy shrugs it off, already thinking of her plan.*  
Roxy: as soon as I get the pizza rolls, which i suspected i would get from the start, i know exactly how to use these. ill just cook them first, cut off the bread, take out the ingredients, add some spices, cook the sauce again, then put it into the dough. i think i can f⬜cking handle this  
*Roxy smiles widely at Dirk, unphased. Dirk hides that he’s displeased with her reaction.*  
Jane: Alright chefs, it's time to start rolling up your sleeves and dough, because now it's time for the first round starting...now! You have fifteen minutes to make your calzones!  
*Dirk is the first one to dash off, slipping on the floor with his sandals. Roxy and Jake run over, getting to their stations first, and John floating over. The camera starts at John, who just waves shyly, then gets back to reading the package ingredients, trying to muster the energy to cook something. It cuts to Jake, who is looking at the cookie dough inquisitively.*  
Jake(has to use cookie dough for dough and no garlic): D-do you think the judge will notice the difference?   
*Jake looks both ways, then shakes some salt into the dough, then starts rolling it out. Jake throws some flour on the table, rolling it out into a pizza shape. Dirk sees and judges Jake’s decision not to do anything to the cookie dough whilst cutting his pineapple.*  
Roxy(has to use pizza rolls in filling): i start off by redusing my sauce. I do this by cooking my pizza rolls in the microwave, since i didn’t have any time to use the oven, then taking out the sauce and combining it with my spices and ~garlic~ especially, then chopping and cooking my meats, then putting them all in my ~dough~  
i mean *reducing  
*Roxy elegantly does all of these things, first by putting her pizza rolls in the microwave. She anxiously waits for them to cook. She opens it up, cutting one open, but then realizing that its still frozen. John tells her that she could deep fry them, he tried it once.*  
Jane: Oooh, I need to try that. And blog about it. I need to see what her Imperial Condesce thinks of this. *A few minutes later, a blog post about frying totino rolls appears on the official betty crocker website*  
*Roxy cooks her pizza rolls again. She hurriedly takes them over to her table, the pizza rolls smoking. She grabs one of them to cut, but then ends up burning her fingers. John looks at her fingers solemnly, relating to her situation. Roxy puts her fingers in her mouth to cool the burn, Jane angrily looking at her when all she does is rub it off on her shirt. Roxy continues her plan perfectly. Dirk sees this, slightly jealous, when he can’t fold his pizza crust in the way he wants to.*  
Dirk(has to use pizza crust instead of dough): You see, everything is going perfectly, just like I planned. Just, this crust isn’t exactly working the way I want it to. Nothing to worry about, I’ve got it covered.   
*Dirk nervously looks around as he folds his crust with all his filling in it. It begins to rip so he nervously tries another method, failing in every way possible.*  
Roxy: who’s Mr. Parisian i’ll kick all your asses Strider now?   
Dirk: Me, did you not get the memo?   
Roxy: Dirk, you're spilling sauce everywhere  
*Dirk slowly looks back at the calzone, seeing that the sauce was leaking. He rubs it off on his shirt, making it look like he has blood across his chest.*  
Roxy: love the aesthetic, but i think you’ll have to go back to cooking if you want to beat against the likes of me   
Dirk(muttering): she’s stealing my lines   
*Dirk, frustrated, asks for tape. Jane, confused, gives him some. Dirk cuts off just enough with his katana, then throws it back like a horseshoe onto Jane’s hand. He uses the tape to pull and stick the whole thing together. He pokes three holes with the end of his katana, then puts it in the oven. He starts to work on garnishes and plating.*  
*Unlike Roxy, the only spice Jake adds to his sauce is salt. He finishes his sauce and cutting everything he wants to add to his calzone*  
Jake: Jane, dear, um could you give me a hint on what this is supposed to look like? its like, a beef wellington or like, a meat pie…?  
Jane: Jake, you really are clueless, aren’t you? It’s a stuffed pizza, have you never-Jake. Have you never seen a pizza before?   
*Jake nervously looks back and forth. Dirk looks at him disapprovingly from behind the camera. Dirk can be heard aggressively chopping food, Roxy can be seen dazed, and John is laughing.*  
John: i cant believe this, this dork’s never seen a pizza before, im so taking him to chuck e. cheeses after this, he wont know the difference, ill tell him its gourmet...wait...does chuck e. cheese still exist? *John’s eye starts to tear up*  
*Jake finally finishes rolling his dough over his fillings. He brushes tons of butter on it, pokes holes with a fork, then slams the door closed of the oven. He angrily blushes while he figures out his plating.*  
*John is the only one who hasn’t put his calzone in the oven. He just finishes his sauce and taking out the pepperoni from the package. Jane stands by his station, tapping her foot. He takes his time to cut up the pepperoni, and then he looks at the puff pastry package. Jane points at her watch. John looks at it, seeing that it isn’t actually a watch, but a drawing of a clock with a frowny face and a note saying, “HURRY UP!” John shrugs, and squeaks when his puff pastry pops when he tries to open it. Jane rolls her eyes. Dirk adjusts his glasses, Roxy her shirt, since all they have left to do is watch him*  
John: you know, your calzones are going to burn if all you do is watch me *he flinches at the camera in his face*   
*He rolls out his dough, adding some onion and garlic powder like Roxy would have, then quickly adds the filling, stabs holes with his pinky, then thrusts it into the oven. He asks Roxy for help. Jane groans. Dirk keeps on watching, then sniffs. He realizes his calzones are burning.*  
John: haha, you could say i “roasted” you with that one, eh?   
Dirk: no you can’t you little b⬜tch  
*Dirk grabs for the pan, not realizing he is wearing fingerless gloves, not oven mitts. The tips of his fingers touch the burning hot metal. He slams his hand in the oven door as he tries to pull his arm out, then runs around frantically. He finally sees the water Roxy had used to thaw out the pizza rolls properly, then dunks his hand into the water.*  
Roxy: dude, there were still some i could have eaten in there, or someone anyway, there’s a sin like right over there!! I mean  
*sink f⬜ck  
*Dirk looks down at his hand. He grabs a pizza roll and flicks it into his mouth, going back to his station like nothing happened. Roxy crosses her arms, laughing it off, then takes her calzone out of the oven. It’s perfectly formed and shaped, with the wafts of sauce and meat floating through the air into her lungs like river through a stream. Dirk takes his out correctly, finding a somewhat well made calzone, with a suspiciously strong scent of pineapple and tape. He plates it, adding some sauce on the side and garnishes, carefully peeling off the tape. Impossibly, it had worked just enough, even though the sauce is leaking just a little. Roxy plates hers, but decides to add more spices than more sauce, knowing what hers was made of. Jake takes out his, proud of how it came out considering the fact that it was a giant meat filled cookie, then cuts it in half. John is the only one left cooking at then end, taking his time with his puffed pastry, then plating it all with his hands in the last few seconds. Which means, John threw the calzones onto plates and called it done.*  
Jane: Okay, chefs, I guess you are ready. Well, today, Judge Aradia will be judging your plates! Judge Aradia please come out here and tell the chefs what I told you.   
*Aradia comes floating in, looking around as if she’s making sure no one is following her. She smiles, breathing out in relief.*  
Aradia: oh thank goodness i lost them...oh yes hello everyone i am aradia, hi hi hi hi john i am here to sample your dishes but i don’t know or care about anything you have possibly gone through so what’s the dish?   
Cronus: hey vwhat’s going on beautiful?   
Aradia: f☐ck i thought i lost em  
Rufioh: yeah doll... you sort of just left us there, w1th aranea and meenah, so we sort of followed them here... now they’re gone too, 1s there someth1ng going on?   
Horuss: 8=D <Yes, Meenah said something along the lines of her Imperial Condescension wanting to see us, but for some reason you won’t speak to us, even when we command you.   
Aradia: all i told all of you including meenah was to NOT follow me if they didn’t want to die AGAIN but meenah just really wanted to see the condesce   
Rufioh: or she just really wanted to d1e... aga1n... 1 mean... that’s why 1 came here haha bangarang  
Cronus: i heard there wvere going to be some hot chicks, but i guess i was vwrong, everyone here is smoking *winks and finger guns at the contestants. Roxy feels nauseous, Jane is angrily waiting for all of them to stop*  
Jane: Just, just go sit in the audience bleachers. Please, just get out of the camera, please.  
*Cronus, Rufioh, and Horuss. Also Kurloz, who had been hiding in the dark in the stairs throughout the conversation. Jane locks eyes with Cronus then whispers to him.*  
Jane: If you take one step closer to my friends, I’m going to shoot you out of the window.  
Cronus: wvhat if i took a step closer to you? *he leans towards her*  
Jane: Mmmm, lemme just, I’ll show you backstage myself.   
*Aradia floats up to the first plate, as Jane walks behind the camera. Several shouts, pots clashing and screams can be heard in the distance as Aradia looks at Jake’s food.*  
Aradia: oh, this looks like um a pizza rolled in half? is that what its supposed to be  
Jake: Yes, a calzone is what they call it. mine in particular hosts a...sweet twist on the idea, with sweet italian sausage and sweet dough  
Jake: The alien knows more about pizza then i do, oh bollocks  
Aradia: cool interesting lets see how this...tastes like  
*Aradia picks up one half of the calzone, letting the grease cover her fingers. She chews it, taking note of all the details.*  
Aradia: hmmmmm this does seem to have all the basic elements of a calzone i think  
Aradia: it has the texture and ingredients of a pizza but there just seems to be something missing. The sweet dough surprisingly is rather good but it just seems to be missing *Aradia snaps her fingers as she tries to remember*  
Roxy: garlic?   
Aradia: yes! That is definitely what it's missing, thank you chef everything is well cooked and implemented but that extra flavor is just lacking   
*Aradia floats over to Dirk’s table, questioning the smell of cooked tape and pineapple.*  
Jake: Well, at the very least, all the technique was there. Knowing how a pizza tastes would have most likely helped and...having some garlic *Jake reflects over all of his life decisions*  
Aradia: chef please explain your dish  
Dirk: *nods* Of course, Judge. Here we have a plate of traditional calzone, with mozzarella cheese and tomato sauce, with olives, tomatoes and a sweet, tropical, and refreshing pineapple added into the filling. I hope you enjoy.   
Aradia: excuse my ignorance but what’s a pineapple  
*Dirk inhales through his nostrils, Roxy, Jake, and John staring intensely, knowing that this could go either way. They watch as she cuts the calzone, revealing the yellow fruit. Aradia also begins to notice that Dirk’s crust isn’t normal, and everything starts to spill out of the way. Aradia smells the filling, just seeming confused.*  
Roxy: you know, i wish i could live in a world where there was pizza but no pineapple  
*Aradia raises the food to her mouth, making sure to grab a large chunk of pineapple. Her fork is shaking ever so slightly. She takes a bite, and as she crunches the pineapple in her teeth, she has a face of surprise.*  
Aradia: oh its not all that bad even if the texture is somewhat questionable yes and the other toppings compliment it and the sauce has the perfect amount of spice this is a very well done dish except  
Dirk: Except what?   
Aradia: your presentation is lacking honestly its just a mess and this dough tastes like cardboard like small nero’s pizza wait no miniscule augustus? short caligula?   
John: wow she said his food tasted like little caesar’s, my chuck e. cheese level over here is at least only one step below or three ahead   
Roxy: when this is all over im going to embroider “your presentation is lacking honestly its just a mess” on a pillow and keep it on my couch   
Jake: Guess im not the only one with lacking taste and dough maybe i wont be kicked off first round  
Dirk: Thank you Judge *Dirk nods, then as soon as Aradia moves on to Roxy’s plate, starts hitting himself in the head, then throws his plate to the floor, kicks it, and starts mumbling about how he’s going to decapitate himself. Jake tries to convince him not to, but even though Dirk is ‘joking’ he slips on his own food as he holds the sword behind him. The camera goes back to Aradia.*  
Aradia: what do you have for me today chef  
Roxy: hello judge aradia, here today i have a oh uh what’s going on there...nevermind i have a calzone with tomato sauce, mozzarella, parmigiano cheeses, and pepperoni and prosciutto as my meats, classic italian foods  
Aradia: oh really? i wouldnt know im not italian or human  
Meenah: *from behind the camera* W-E GET IT T)(-ER-E ALI-ENS B☐TC)( GET A MOV-E ON  
Aradia: *sigh* im glad we could find her   
Aradia: let me just taste it they’re right i shouldn’t hold up beating all of them up and getting them out of your way  
*Aradia cuts off some food and bites down. Her eyes light up a little when she eats it. She munches on it wholeheartedly*  
Aradia: :D this is really good like really good its got everything that the others had and more its got its got i cant quite my tongue on it   
Roxy: :p Garlic?   
Aradia: yes! its got that and it isnt confusingly sweet or too salty there isnt much i can say that is wrong about this dish your just really good at making calzones i think  
Roxy: thank you??! thats honestly just really nice thanks i grew up with these technically so im glad to have other people enjoy what i...used to enjoy thanks   
Aradia: :)  
Meenah: b☐tch i thought i told you TO GET A MOV-E ON  
Aradia: >:/ fine john what do you have for me   
*Roxy looks back at Dirk to see if he’s okay. Jake’s crying, but Dirk is giving her a thumbs up as he gets up. Roxy proceeds to tell Dirk how much better her food was.*  
Roxy: she adored it she said there was like nothing wrong with it she didn’t even notice the frozen sauce you see garlic makes the difference   
*Roxy adjusts her hair and whispers to Dirk about what happened, as Dirk struggles to lift himself off the floor*  
Aradia: so you say this is  
John: its a pizza folded in half, yes, my version is a bit more pastry like, but that’s pretty much what it is, there’s no weird hipster sh⬜t going on here no parisian or italian conosseurs in my place   
Dirk: Connoisseurs  
John: *muttering to himself* h-how did he know i misspelled that i pronounced it the same *out loud* so here ya go  
Aradia: first off i can say you could have worked on your presentation it just looks like you threw this on here but it does look and smell nice   
*Aradia picks it up with her hands and takes a bite. She chews the piece, obviously studying its tastes.*  
Aradia: not bad, its got a good amount of spices and foods for the filling its a bit greasy but the pastry outside isn’t nearly as sweet as i thought it would be so it tastes rather nice all the flavors compliment each other good job :)   
John: :)  
John: yes! this is great, im glad that an alien whos never had a calzone proved my worth just by saying good job on making a calzone  
*Aradia moves back to the front of the set, waiting for Jane to come over. Jane comes over, rubbing off some blood from her face, then brushing it off on her shirt. They discuss for a bit before coming to a conclusion.*  
Aradia: ive come to my conclusion the one who will be eliminated is………..  
*They all lean in, their ears eager.*  
Roxy: I think its going to be dirk, i mean he made the stupidest mistakes  
Dirk: i think its going to be Roxy, because i didn’t hear what happened but im sure it was something negative, i can sense it   
Jake: Its going to be me, i already know it, i didn’t know my whole life was going to be dependent on pizza, but shenanigans like these happen to everyone once in awhile  
John(eating his calzone): i mean, i don’t really care because ive done this before, but im going to go ahead and say its jake to be realistic, that british taste doesn’t work here on *looks at wrist* space   
Aradia: ...................jake sorry to see you go chef   
*Jake lowers his head in dismay. Roxy and John say “aw” and wave goodbye. Dirk doesn’t seem phased at all.*  
Dirk: Can’t handle the heat get the f⬜ck out this isn’t a place for posers  
Jane: Oooh, Jake, you’re going to have to hand over all of that $25,000 to me.   
Jake($25,000): *sigh*   
*She clicks open the briefcase, taking the $25,000. Jake walks out of the room*  
Jake: *trying not to cry* yes, i should have known it wasn’t going to work from the moment she took my garlic. I should have tried to be more adventurous with my flavors, but i guessed i just stuck too close to home  
*Jake starts to walk away from the camera, but realizes he has no idea where he is going. Jane shows up and shows him to backstage where the dancestors are, one of which is beaten to an unrecognizable pulp. He would argue it to be a handsome unrecognizable pulp, but most accounts agree that it was just unrecognizable.*  
Meenah: honestly i can actually stand to look at him this way, i wish he would stay like this. Hey Jane, could you do this every week? 


	2. Round Two: Hamburgers

*Jane walks back to the set, ready to give them the second prompt.*  
Jane: Alright chefs, for the second round of Cutthroat Kitchen, you will have 30 minutes to make...burgers! That’s got to be easy enough for all of you right? You’ve all seen and tasted a burger before? Please nod.   
*They nod*  
Jane: Okay, good. Now I will give you thirty seconds to grab your ingredients in three...two...one!   
*Roxy and Dirk sped up towards the pantry. John took his time, so much time that Dirk went back just to drag him into the pantry so he could close the door. They rushed around, barely having time to grab anything.*  
Roxy: For my dish, I will be using lamb because I think that will make my dish stand out, I’ll be using some spices like parsley, garlic, allspice, feta. It will be much more different than whatever these two are making, it will guarantee me my way to the next round.   
*Roxy elegantly grabs her things, occasionally pushing Dirk on purpose. Dirk tries to push back, but usually misses because she moves out of the way too quickly. At one point Dirk flips her off and tries to push her, misses, then trips over her foot and runs into the shelf of spices. He falls on the floor, and she grabs some spices that fell on his chest.*  
Dirk: I was thinking of some texan style grilled burger, with coleslaw but a more clean and reduced version, since most versions are a complete f⬜cking mess and thats John’s job.  
*Dirk grabs a f⬜ck ton of mayo, vegetables, multiple trays of meat, vinaigrette and every last bag of hamburger buns that Roxy didn’t grab. John stands behind him, grabbing a bag of Wonderbread that fell out of Dirk’s basket.*  
John: i was thinkin, i dont know like burgers? i have no idea what these two are doing im just sticking to the classics here its worked for me so far. like its not going to be a regular burger once it goes through all of this sh⬜t anyway  
*John grabs ketchup, mustard, a jar of pickles, ground beef and relish. He is the last one out, running out before the doors slide on him while the others are already at their stations. Jane smiles at all of them, ready to begin the round. Roxy smiles back genuinely, John smiles nervously, Dirk cracks his knuckles.*  
Jane: Hoohoo, okay chefs are you all ready for this upcoming round? Of course you’re not, that’s the fun, none of you ever know what you’ll be forced to live through! Now let’s start with the first sabotage.   
*Jane steps back to knock on the elevator door with a posh look on her face. Out of the elevator comes out a salt and pepper shaker.*  
Jane: Now I think that you all agree that overseasoning might be bad, but underseasoning is much worse. *Roxy nods furiously, Dirk nods and John shrugs and looks at the others for approval.* So if you buy this sabotage, you will be the only one allowed to use salt or pepper for the remainder of the challenge! Bidding starts at $100!   
*Roxy looks at the camera as if she couldn’t imagine living without salt or pepper. Dirk scoffs, knowing that he will have to bid. John realizes that he never thought of putting salt or pepper on anything before.*  
Roxy: $500!   
Dirk: $1000!   
Dirk: I don’t actually care that much if I get this one, but I know Roxy is begging for it, so I’m going to raise the bid.   
Roxy: $2000!  
John: $5000!   
*Both Dirk and Roxy look at him, once again surprised to see him participate. It distracts them long enough that neither of them speak up.*  
Jane: $5,000, $5,000 and the bid goes to-  
Roxy: wait no, $5-  
Jane: John for $5,000!   
*Roxy slams her hands on the table and then slowly forms them into fists. Dirk pats her on the back, knowing what she’s going through. John walks up to counter, grabs the salt and pepper and starts walking back. Jane grabs his cape and motions for him to give her the money.*  
Roxy: both of you are going to regret coming here.   
*She looks at Dirk, seeing true rage in her eyes. Dirk swallows his spit, pretending not to be scared.*  
Dirk: We didn’t exactly have a choice  
*She grit her teeth, she was on the edge of flipping out. He moved away from her, knowing to never take her spices from her. She side-eyes John, as if to whisper through her eyes how hurt she was by his betrayal. John smiled and shook the salt and pepper, making one of the tops come off and spilling half of the pepper. He awkwardly looks down and tries to smoothly brush it off the table without anyone noticing. Jane stares down at the patch of pepper on the floor.*  
Jane: Okay, onto the next one. *She clears her throat* Now we thought that after that sad, sad excuse of a round last time, we decided to collect all of the audience’s tears, both from laughing and crying, into one giant tank.   
Dirk: Jane, this is the worst transition I have ever been forced to hear-  
Jane: *staring angrily at Dirk* And so, we decided to bring this tank out here. *she whistles, Cronus and Horuss rolling in a giant water tank twice their height. Cronus has a black eye and a missing tooth. Jane nods for them to leave as they scurry away.* And one of the most fundamental parts of a hamburger, other than the actual burger I would say, is the bun.*   
*Dirk breaks out into a sweat, Roxy smirks. John looks at his sad discount burger buns and sighs.*  
Jane: So if you buy this sabotage, you can choose one of the other chefs and dunk ALL of their bread into this tank of tears! What do you say folks? Who’s up first? Starting at $2,000!  
*Jane rolls up a ladder to get to the top of the tank. She gets to the top and flicks her foot behind her, smiling, waiting for the first bid.*  
Roxy: $2000   
Dirk: How dare you, $2,500!!!  
John: $7000.   
*Dirk stares at him intensely, ready to grab his katana and thrust it at him. John is looking down at his money, counting it to make sure he has enough. Roxy looks at him stunned, then smirks and laughs.*  
Roxy: you’re done for paris boy  
Dirk: F⬜ck you I’m not from Paris and I never said I was.   
*Roxy’s eyes narrow. They got distracted for so long that John is already moving to both of them. He taps his foot, wondering who to sabotage. Dirk sweats, pointing at Roxy behind her back. Roxy looks back at Dirk, then at John, and smirks nodding at John. John nods back then walks up to Dirk.*  
Dirk: You all are planning against me. This game is sabotaged.  
Jane: That’s the entire point!   
Dirk: F⬜ck all of you, this is a conspiracy, I’m leaving.   
*Dirk tries to walk off stage but the camera cuts as soon as a giant fork is seen hurtling towards him.*  
*Dirk is on the camera again, rubbing his stomach.*  
Dirk: Impalement isn’t even my thing. I’ve died twice in this kitchen and I feel it's not going to be the last.   
*John grabs a handful of bags of burger buns and then walks up to the tank of water. He drops half of the bags on the way there, stepping over something blurred, something red and orange. He walks up to Jane, who takes each one and dunks them fully into the salty water. He walks back to Dirk’s basket and dumps them in there, making the rest of his food wet. Dirk drags himself up to the table, leaving a trail of blood behind him as he regenerates. He makes sure to mutter*  
Dirk: F⬜ck you dude  
*as he passes by. John hops over him and goes back to his station, ready for the next sabotage.*  
Jane: Okay all of you, onto the “last” sabotage, the one before we begin to cook! Things are heating up, and for this sabotage you can force one of your opponents to use this-!   
*She points to Rufioh, carrying a handful of wood pieces and a large cast iron pot with a grill.  
Jane: Bonfire grill to cook all of their food. Now who will bid, starting at $2,000!  
Dirk: $2,100  
Dirk: I don’t actually fear this sabotage, but... I need to enact some revenge.   
John: $3000  
Roxy: i’m just going to let them bid each other up, I don’t mind this sabotage and I’ve got John on my side for now and Dirk just woke up from death so his senses haven’t come back to him, his blind rage will make it impossible for him not to pick John   
Dirk: $4,000  
John: $5000  
Dirk: $6,000  
John: $7000  
Dirk: $13,000! You can’t touch me now bro!  
*He thrusts a calculated stack of money on his table, knowing that John doesn’t have anymore than that. John looks at his own money and crosses his arms angrily. Dirk laughs and points at him, then walks up to Jane to hand her the money before the bidding even finishes.*  
Jane: How many episodes of this show do I have to force you to watch before you all realize you don’t have to give up half of your money every sabotage? *She counts the money, then gives him the bonfire grill and a small set of matches.*  
*Dirk doesn’t even think of going to Roxy, immediately paving his way to John. He hands him the grill, then sets the matches on top. John’s arm shakes as he is forced to hold a set of wood and an entire grill in his hands.*  
John: well its not like i wanted to use those stupid-ass ovens again anyway they might actually taste better on this  
Roxy: John??/ Were you going to use the flugggin i mean the f⬜cking oven to cook...hamburgers???!!!1  
John: look roxy i grew up in a very suburban household and me only understanding how to use a very specific oven should be the least of your problems at this point  
Jane: Okay cooks, you can start cooking in three...two...one! There will definitely be no sabotages for some time *laughing to herself* but not too long   
*They all ignore her comment, running to their prep stations to begin their burgers. The camera starts at Roxy, who is prepping her meat with spices.*  
Roxy(can’t use salt or pepper): i might not be able to use salt OR pepper but I do have plenty of other spices to make up for it i think im doing fine compared to these losers doesnt mean im not going to still get my revenge >:D  
*Roxy gets her meat and forms it into patties with all of her spices, cutting her burger buns and getting ready to cook everything in the the matter of a few minutes. Dirk looks over, then looks back at his own mess.*  
Dirk(can’t use salt or pepper, had all forms of bread dunked in tears): For my hamburger, I’m going to have to do something different. Especially with all of this very well marinated bread I have here. I could have some salt if I figure out a way to dry some.  
Dirk: *passing by John as he gets to the burner oven* Hey did I mention that f⬜ck you yet? Cause sometimes I wonder if you forgot dude so like f⬜ck you again  
John: your welcome man no need to mention it   
*Dirk puts some bread on the burner, hoping it will dry out. Then he runs back and makes his coleslaw by slicing cabbage and carrots with his sword, then covering it all in mayo and vinegar. He reaches for the salt and pepper, then groans. He looks back at John, who almost forgot to put any salt or pepper on his burgers.*  
John: So I form burger patties, I add some salt, some pepper. I almost forgot. Then I look at everyone else and see they already started cooking.   
*Dirk is heading towards the skillet with hamburger patties the size of his head and Roxy is already cooking when Jane walks towards them, smiling.*  
Jane: Chefs, how are you all doing? Good, good I see. Well I hate to break it to you all, but you’re under arrest!   
*She hops and reveals a set of handcuffs from behind her back, laughing maniacally. They all look to her, confused.*  
Jane: Hooohooohooohoooo. You won’t believe this one, I just thought of using it earlier today. You see if you get this sabotage, you force the other two chefs to be handcuffed together for the rest of the challenge! Bidding starts at $500!   
Dirk: sh⬜t thats kinky...wait  
*Roxy smirks, then raises her hand*  
Roxy: $500!   
Dirk: *looks back at John, who is busy trying to set a bonfire, then at Roxy* oh sh⬜t $1000!  
Roxy: hey, guess what Dirk?   
Dirk: What? *he grits his teeth*   
Roxy: $5000  
Dirk: *seething* John, you f⬜ck you need to bid. Like right now. John you motherf⬜cker stop trying to light a match and BID!!!   
Jane: $5,000 going once-  
*Dirk runs over to John and shakes some sense into him.*  
Dirk: John you f⬜ckwad bid!! I’m going to seppuku myself if you don’t.   
John: you’ve already died like twice it doesnt really hold that much weight…  
Dirk: Yeah, but this time it's going to be a heroic death because neither of us f⬜cking deserve this.  
Jane: Going twice *she went slower, laughing at Dirk*   
Dirk: John I think I might f⬜cking despise you  
John: your bread starting burning like ten minutes ago   
Jane: Going thrice…  
Dirk: You think I didn’t notice, I’m obviously doing that on purpose. John you f⬜cker I just met you and yet you want to torture me and yourself with this. How dare you. Dave was right.   
Roxy: hey, maybe he wants to be handcuffed to you?   
Dirk: Roxy you are no longer allowed to participate in these conversations. John and I are trying to have a civil discussion. *He says, moving his katana towards his own head.*   
Jane: And sold to Chef Roxy! Give me your money chef, and I will give you the honor of giving the sabotage.   
*Roxy goes up to Jane and gets the handcuffs. She heads over to Dirk, who is still bickering with John. She smiles, then without them noticing, cuffs their right hands together.*  
Dirk: Wait, wait. No, no. John. John, you f⬜ck, you didn’t bid!  
John: you know, maybe if you hadn’t spent all that money to sabotage me you could have saved yourself   
Dirk: F⬜ck you don’t make it sound like this is my fault.   
John: but technically it is   
Dirk: Well on a technical level, get the f⬜ck away from me and let me finish my coleslaw.   
*Dirk steps away, forgetting that he’s stuck to John. He looks at his katana, then his arm, then his katana again. Just as he raises his katana above his head, Jane comes over and stands next to him.*  
Jane: Don’t worry Dirk. If something were to say, happen to your arm, I’m right here to heal it for you. Don’t think you have to do anything drastic.   
*Dirk lowers his sword slowly. He sighs, then realizes he should probably check on his burgers. And the hamburger buns. But then he forgets that John is handcuffed to him again and tries to drag him, failing miserably.*  
Dirk: Okay, John, what do you have to do so I can move?!   
John: i need to start this fire. Im having some trouble with these matches though.   
*John tries to light a match, but can’t. He does it again, then again. It slowly ticks at Dirk’s sanity. Eventually Dirk takes the whole match box, grabs a handful of matches, uses the side of his katana to light them, then throws them down the grill. The bonfire bursts into flames twice as tall as them.*  
Dirk: Okay, you got your fire going. Now let’s check on my sh⬜t.   
*John lets him drag him to the burner, where everything is ashes. Dirk knocks everything into a trash can, not letting John give him sh⬜t about it. He moves onto his burger patties, which he realizes aren’t cooking fast enough since they are as thick as bricks.*  
John: hey yo dude maybe you could use my bonfire itd be easier for the both of us  
Dirk: john shut up im thinking  
*Dirk moves onto the only thing that worked, the coleslaw. He slams his fists on the table in anger, forcing John’s arm to jerk down with it. He looks at his pile of soggy bread.*  
John: if you're just going to take this time to wallow in self-pity you could take it to the bonfire  
Dirk: john you f⬜ck im just thinking   
John: you know where’s a great place to think? next to a bonfire  
Dirk: John how many times do I have to f⬜cking say shut the f⬜ck up before you shut the f☐ck up?   
*Dirk takes about an extra minute to wallow in self-pity and then look at his burgers cook, realizing it would take an hour for them to be cooked rare.*  
Dirk: John, I just had a brilliant idea.  
John: yes???   
*John stopped giving two f⬜cks (this is slightly inaccurate, because it implies John gave two f⬜cks in the first place) and is now floating in the air, looking at his nails and biting at them.*  
Dirk: I use your bonfire to cook the bread and the meat. Then we won’t have to move back and forth.   
John: woah no f⬜cking sh⬜t i didn’t have that idea earlier!   
Dirk: Yeah, of course you didn’t that’s why I’m saying it now. Get up to the program moron. F⬜cking move.   
*He grabs his grill pan of burgers then moves over to grab a package of brioche style burger buns from his pile of wet grains. John grabs his plate of patties and puts it on the grill. The flames have lowered down so it barely reaches the meat.*  
Dirk: Hey man, could you possibly, raise the fire a little bit? Just a little bit with your wind powers? Just a little? Like right now? Just a little bit I’m not asking for much-  
*John raises the flames just to the perfect height on his side, then completely covers Dirk’s side with flames so that his burger buns scorch and his meat is only cooked on the outside.*  
Dirk: I ask for one f⬜cking thing and this is what you do? I treat you with so much respect and this is how you repay me??? You know I’ve been trying to completely ignore my anger and arousal but I don’t know if I can physically handle it.  
John: what the f⬜ck did you say something?   
Dirk: I uh, I uh, said I’m really f⬜cking angry.   
John: dude are you okay you’re sweating a lot, like should i think i might give you a sunburn if its that hot   
Dirk: It’s not the fire that’s too hot I mean f⬜ck, I’m fine.   
*Roxy is standing at a distance, looking over her finished burgers and laughing at them. She starts getting her plate together. Dirk stares back at her, clearly jealous.*  
Dirk: *looking down at his burgers* You know like f⬜ck you. F⬜ck you hard up the ass you f⬜ck. Like extremely f⬜cking graphic, like-  
John: dude, what the f⬜ck? are you sure you’re okay?   
Dirk: like three hours of just straight up hardcore f⬜cking like-  
*John gets tired of his sh⬜t and ignites the fire so that it blows up in his face and sets a strand of his hair on fire. He starts running towards the sink but is weighed down.*  
Dirk: John, john. Let me go to the sink. If you don’t let me go to the sink I’m going to be f⬜cking bald and do you know how long it took me to grow my hair like this? It’s practically physically impossible. John move!   
John: no shut up im thinking of what we should do   
Dirk: John the sink is right there! Its right there! Wait, you f⬜cker. You're trying to use some reverse like role reversal sh⬜t on me. You know John, I can’t say how much you frustrate me. Mentally, physically because my hair is on literal fire, emotionally…  
Jane: *muttering* sexually  
Roxy: *muttering slightly louder* sexually   
Dirk: Just move! F⬜ck fine I apologize! I’m guessing that’s what you want, cause it usually is what people want from me.   
*John blows away the flame with his breath.*  
John: you might have overreacted.   
Dirk: I f⬜cking reacted the perfect amount thank you.   
Jane: 5 minutes!   
Dirk: I thought we’d die before she’d say that, f☐ck let's get this over with oh hey my burgers are done you actually did something not incompetent  
*John looked at him, ready to punch him in the face but instead helps him move his burgers on a plate then start plating them, but them drags him back to the grill so he can get his own burgers. He just grabs the patties, puts them in cheap burger buns and adds mustard, ketcup and relish to each, then tries to open the pickle jar. He struggles to open the pickle jar. Dirk takes it, then still struggles to open it, instead cracking some of the glass. Roxy takes it, puts it under her shirt and opens it immediately. John puts on two small pickles on each, then some lettuce, some tomato-*  
Dirk: Could you hurry the f⬜ck up?   
John: could you get a f⬜cking life?   
*John finishes his two plates, then lets Dirk drag him to his station. Dirk takes up the rest of the time adding his coleslaw and barbeque sauce, then make the plating as pristine as possible.Roxy finished a few minutes earlier, so she is just waiting for them to finish.*  
Jane: And time is up! I can un-handcuff you two now, if you’d like.   
John: please Jane? I think he’s going to kill me  
Dirk: you wish   
*Jane walks up to them and unlocks the handcuffs. Dirk shakes off his hand ‘accidentally’ slapping John in the face, while John just straight up punches him.*  
Jane: Now we will be welcoming our judge, Judge Tavros!   
*The camera pans to the staircase, except no one is there. The camera turns to behind the set, where Tavros is, sipping down some soda in a blurred out fast food cup that is clearly from ☐☐.☐☐☐☐☐☐☐’☐ with Rufioh, Horuss, and Cronus behind him. He walks up to Jane.*  
Tavros: hEY, uHH, jANE, cAN rUFIOH AND HIS FRIENDS HAVE SOME FOOD TOO? THEY BRIBED ME WITH ACTUAL FOOD, WHICH IS NICE CONSIDERING YOU HAVENT GIVEN ME MUCH OTHER THAN THE FOOD I ATE LAST TIME…  
Jane: Sure, Tavros, just don’t talk about that. Except he can go f⬜ck himself  
*She points at Cronus. He clicks his tongue and steps back while doing finger guns, then falls flat on his back and out of the sight of the camera.*  
Jane: Today’s meal is hamburgers.  
Tavros: oKAY THEN, I WILL START HERE AT CHEF rOXY’S PLATE HELLO CHEF ROXY, wHAT DO YOU HAVE FOR ME TODAY?  
Roxy: hello, judge, today what i have for you is a lamb burger with feta, i figured since you would be eating pounds of cow meat today, *she looks at Dirk’s burger that takes up an entire plate the size of his head* i thought you could use something more unique  
Tavros: uHH, lAMMB??? lIKE ISNT THAT SOME SORT OF BABY ANIMAL???  
Roxy: um, uh, no its just like like sheep  
Tavros: wHAT’S UH, wHATS A SHEEP?   
Roxy: It’s uh, like a, like you know? sort of like a horse…  
*Horuss gasped and fell into Rufioh’s arms. Rufioh looked ready to drop him on the ground.*  
Tavros: aNYWAYS, i WILL EAT THE SHEEP IF YOU INSIST, IM NOT SURE IF THEY CAN HANDLE IT  
Rufioh: No...don’t worry doll….1 can handle 1t...g1ve me the horse meat  
*Tavros and Rufioh each eat a half of the burger, chewing contemplatively. They both swallowed what they chewed and Tavros was the first to give feedback.*  
Tavros: wELL, uHH, tHESE HAMBURGERS SURE DO HAVE LESS HAM THAN I THOUGHT THEY WOULD  
Jane: Tavros, regular hamburgers don’t have ham in them. Didn’t you just get ⬜⬜.⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜’⬜? What did you think a hamburger was?   
Tavros: oH, oH, mY BAD. aNYWAY, THIS IS REALLY GOOD I’D EAT IT AGAIN EVEN IF IT’S MADE UP OF THE MEAT OF A GRUB HORSE SHEEP WHATEVER THE F⬜CK, oH SORRY JANE. iT’S GOT GREAT FLAVOR, gOOD TEXTURE, bUUUT  
Roxy: what? *anxiously tapping her fingers on the table*   
Tavros: iT DOESN’T SEEM TO HAVE uHH, uHHH,   
Rufioh: 1ts not salty enough, doll   
Roxy: just wait till you get to Dirk and also that’s a first  
Tavros: bUT FOR THE MOST PART, eVERYTHING TASTES REALLY GOOD TOGETHER, THANK YOU CHEF, oH BUT ALSO THE LAMB IS A BIT UNDERCOOKED, uHH, YEAH  
Rufioh: 1t’s pretty good fake horse thanks doll   
*Horuss finally comes to, so Rufioh tries his hardest to get him to stand up on his own so he doesn’t have to hold him anymore. They move onto Dirk, who bows his head, then begins to spiel about his dish.*  
Dirk: Thank you judge, for coming here today to taste my, I mean our, dishes. Today what I have for you is a *he gestured toward the plate, and the camera zooms in* traditional Texas style burger, packed with as much meat as possible, salted...bread and coleslaw to add texture, moistness and flavor  
Tavros: tHIS IS BIGGER THAN MY ENTIRE HEAD HOW DO I FIT THIS IN MY MOUTH  
Dirk: See, there's this thing called a knife…*he looks around and remembers he owns no knives* but there’s a better a better kind called this sword  
*Without giving a second’s notice, Dirk chops the hamburger into smaller pieces, from halves, to eighths to sixteenths all in the matter of seconds. One of the pieces falls into Tavros’ hands. He tries to wipe off the grease, but then covers his hands with twice as much grease. A piece that took longer to fall lands in Rufioh’s hands, then one lands through Horuss’ horns.*  
Rufioh: wow th1s sh☐z has l1ke as much grease as Cronus’ ha1r *he sniffs it and chokes back his words* *whispers* and saltier than Horuss’ pores  
Horuss: 8=D What did you say? It does feel rather sweat-like and grease covered, but who is to say that is such a bad thing? *he wipes the grease off his gloves, then ignores the coleslaw that falls on his shoes*   
Tavros: sOO, I SHOULD PROBABLY TASTE THIS THEN  
*Tavros still has trouble figuring out how to maneuver his mouth around the massive burger. He cocks his head to the side, then to the other side, then tries squishing it down and eating it sideways. Half of the hamburger falls onto the floor and a third on his face and hands. Rufioh tries something similar, with similar results, and Horuss just dunks it into his mouth and chews it whole. Rufioh and Tavros immediately seem a little queasy, while Horuss is sweating profusely.*  
Rufioh: 1 d1dn’t know you could cook with salt grease a slab of meat and noth1ng else... oh and that v1negar who doesn’t love pure vinegar with whatever the fr⬜ck that white sh⬜z is   
Horuss: 8=D I normally would completely enjoy these attributes, but that much salt is making my mouth dry, and the white stuff did not help, I would like some milk please???  
Tavros: uHH, yES, i DO HAVE TO ADMIT THAT THERE WERE A COUPLE THINGS WRONG WITH THIS DISH, fIRSTLY, nONE OF US ARE SURE ABOUT WHAT THAT WHITE STUFF IS AND IM NOT SURE IF WE WANT TO KNOW…  
Dirk: It’s-it’s mayo. Mayonnaise. Eggs. It’s like, uh...I don’t know anything about you guys so I have no idea how to make this analogy. *He looked at their concerned faces* It’s not alien jizz.  
Tavros: oH, oH, nONE OF US WE’RE THINKING THAT...aNYWAY THERE ARE MORE THINGS THAT COULD USE IMPROVEMENT. THE VINEGAR IS OVERPOWERING, ALSO IS THE SALT, ALSO YOUR BREAD FALLS APART REALLY EASILY AND THE SALT CONTENT IS A LOT HIGHER THAN i WOULD HAVE LIKED. bUUT  
Roxy: i thinkn you cna stop there he doesnt need flase hope  
Tavros: bUT, tHE FLAVORS WERE REALLY GOOD. tHE STUFF YOU CALL MAYO BALANCED WELL WITH THE BREAD AND MEAT, AND THE COLESLAW DID GIVE IT AN INTERESTING TEXTURE. oVERALL THE FLAVORS WERE GOOD BUT IF THEY HADN’T BEEN OVERPOWERED BY THE SALT AND VINEGAR IT WOULD HAVE BEEN A LOT BETTER  
Dirk: Thank you, judge.   
Dirk: Roxy stop smiling.   
Dirk: Roxy if you don’t slap that smug look on your face I’m going to seppuku myself-  
Tavros: oH HEY JOHN I REMEMBER YOU!  
John: hi!!!! who are these people anyway?  
Rufioh: don’t m1nd us, we’re just lost and dead and lost 1n death also hungry   
John: okay?? well today i have what i consider to be the basics of a hamburger, a grilled one too, isn’t that cool? I’ve never used one before, my dad never got the chance to teach me  
Rufioh: why? 1s your ‘dad’ dead? What’s a dad?  
Tavros: aNYWAY, lET’S TRY THIS NOTHAM-BURGER.   
*They each grab a hamburger, and chew on it. Rufioh starts eating the entire thing, Horuss throws the hamburger into his mouth and it disappears.*  
Tavros: i PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE GONE HERE FIRST, BECAUSE THIS HAMBURGER SEEMS TO BE WHAT IT SHOULD BE, i THINK. iT DOESN’T MAKE ME THINK OF DEAD NOT-HORSE SHEEP OR THINK IM GOING TO DIE FROM AN ONSET HEART ATTACK, wOW THAT’S IMPRESSIVE. iT IS A BIT BLAND THOUGH, yOU COULD HAVE SPICED THINGS UP A BIT WITH MORE THAN SALT, eVEN THOUGH i DO HAVE TO SAY THE SALT CONTENT IS PERFECT AND ALSO ITS A BIT OVERCOOKED THANK YOU CHEF  
Rufioh: yeah bangarang man that was some good sh⬜z  
Horuss: 8=D Yes, compared to the only other food I have had in a week, this is something I would eat again. I still need a glass of milk…  
Jane: Okay Judge, or I guess Judges, would you come over here so we could discuss who should be ELIMINATED.   
*The three judges walk over to Jane, then all whisper to each other. Dirk, Roxy and John all look at each other, trying to determine who is going to move on.*  
Dirk: Personally, I think John is most likely to get eliminated, even if he showed ‘the basics of cooking’ you need more than basic to pass in this kitchen. I would know, I have passed a total of one round so far.  
Roxy: Personally, I’m just waiting for them to call his name so I can laugh in his face. He’s so f⬜cking oblivious and he doesn’t know it.   
John: I think I’m leaving, I can tell from how Dirk is looking at me he expects me to be the one to leave, or maybe Roxy. Don’t tell Dirk, or show him this part, but I think it's going to be him. Even while we were cooking I could tell it was going to suck. I also think he kind of sucks at cooking in general. Or at least while he’s handcuffed to someone.   
Jane: Okay Judge, I have one too many chefs and you're going to have to help me choose who will not be moving on to the next round of Cutthroat Kitchen.   
Tavros: tHE CHEF WHO WILL NOT BE MOVING ONTO THE NEXT ROUND IS……………  
*They all lean in anticipation.*  
Tavros: dIR-  
*Tavros doesn’t even finish his announcement before Dirk flips off every camera, Roxy, John, Jane, generally everyone in the room, throws all of his money in the air, jumps over the table in front of him by doing a handstand, falls on his back on the other side, then runs off camera. He runs back on when he realizes he forgot his sword, but Jane takes it from him. He threatens to punch her, but then the camera cuts out and Dirk is laying on the ground with his katana by his side. Jane drags him off camera.*  
Tavros: -K.   
Jane: *breathing heavily* Thank you judge Tavros, you can head back to the cellars now. Or stay in the bleachers, whichever is less life threatening to you. You two can go. Forever. But if you have to you can stay with the Greaser. And stay there. If he ever speaks to me again *she pointed to behind the desk* you will all end up there.   
*Rufioh and Horuss run off the stage, Tavros takes his time and waves at his friends, sipping down the last of his soda.*


	3. Round 3: Soup

Jane: Well look, we’re already on the final round. All we have is my dear friend Roxy and John. Good luck, for this final round you will be making...soup.   
Roxy: wait, just soup? any kind of soup????   
Jane: Yes, Roxy, any kind of soup. From cold cucumber soup to tepid noodle soup to beef stew! Any kind of soup!   
*John raises his hand to ask a question.*  
John: does cereal count as a soup?   
Jane: *looks up at the camera* You have 30 seconds to grab your supplies.   
*The timer started ticking before they even had time to react. They rush over to the pantry. Roxy runs up ahead of John, trying to knock him over as she slides through the doors. John almost falls, but manages to keep his balance. Roxy grabs stock, thyme, garlic, pepper, parsley, onions, rosemary, chicken, shrimp, beef, vegetables and whatever else she could get her hands on before John could. She could tell he was trying to grab the same ingredients, and takes the majority of them before he can. John ends up with noodles, chicken and a few herbs. He shrugs and leaves the pantry as Roxy is still trying to grab everything she can, including things that seem slightly outrageous like whipping cream and condensed milk. She rushes out, breathing hard and wiping the sweat off her brow before posing and smiling at her station.*  
John: wow soup, haven’t had that in ages wonder if i can make it i barely understand how to boil water   
Roxy: im ready to take on this challenge, hit me with all youve got jane, im surviving this one. john might be the champion and adorable, but he cant boil water for sh☐t Sh☐t I’m sounding like Dirk this needs to stop   
Jane: Okay, you all ready folks? *She yells at the audience, getting them all riled up. Meenah can be audibly heard booing at them both then yelling that she was just joking but she hopes one of them gets beat up by the condesce.*  Seems they are ready, now are you two? *They nod, then Jane reveals two pumpkins.* If either of you get this sabotage, you will HAVE to use it in your-  
Roxy: I’ll take it   
Jane: Roxy, dear, you have to wait to bid, so we will start at-  
Roxy: no-no, jane you misunderstand me, i want the sabotage to use he can buy it for like the minimum i want the pumpkin   
Jane: Why, may I ask you, would you want the f☐cking pumpkin?   
Roxy: trust me I grew up on pumpkin i have made many a pumpkin soup this will just be the first time its not just water and a pumpkin  
Jane: *muttering* it will start at $200, any of you got $200, sold to John-*She points at John but realizes he wasn’t raising his hand* Are you seriously going to make her pay for herself? Roxy, Roxy soooold to Roxy, for $500 to Roxy, who would you like to give that to Roxy, oh to Roxy? Well, that’s mighty dandy here you go to Roxy. *Jane goes to Roxy’s basket and dropped the pumpkins in it, then grabs $500 from Roxy’s cash pile.* On to the next one, I suppose.   
*Jane goes back to the elevator, still counting the money, and knocks on the door. Then she reveals a set of signs, one saying microwave, another saying grill, another saying oven.*  
Jane: If you get this sabotage, then you will only be able to use the microwave for the first third, then the grill, then the oven. No stovetop for whoever gets this sabotage! Is that threatening enough for either of you? Neither of you want to volunteer, RIGHT??? Good. Starts at $500.   
Roxy: 600!   
Roxy: there is literally no way i am cooking pumpkin soup on a grill or an oven, what is she thinking?   
John: 700!   
John: i don’t think id mine having to use any of those things actually, considering that i-i dont really know how to use any of them but the microwave correctly anyway, but that includes the stove so im good   
Roxy: 800!  
John: 1200!  
John: im definitely buying the last sabotage though, im going to get rid of the rest of her money  
Roxy: 2000!  
John: 3000!  
John: its the kind of sh☐t Dirk would have done, its what he would have wanted *he lowers his head in memory*  
Voice in the distance: I’m still alive you d☐ck!  
John: haha, yeah, for now....  
Roxy: 4000!   
Jane: 4000, 4000, and sold to Roxy for 4000! Will you not be giving this to yourself this time? *Jane went to Roxy and took the 4000, then put up the microwave sign next to John’s station.*  
Jane: Alright everyone, the sabotages are sold and are you all ready to start cooking? You will have 30 minutes to make your soup starting in 3...2...1!   
*They run to their stations and gather their ingredients. Roxy starts opening up the pumpkins with a knife. She stabs the pumpkins and then cuts out the innards, then put them on a pot on the stove and starts cooking it with salt and condensed milk. Roxy smiles, glad she had grabbed the seamlessly random ingredient of condensed milk.*  
John(has to use designated cooking appliances): how are those pumpkins doing?  
Roxy(has to use pumpkin): wonderful, how’s the cooking going? Or are you waiting on it?   
*John, meanwhile, is desperately figuring out which order he should cook all his ingredients. He chops his chicken into haphazardly made chunks and then opens up the noodles.*  
John: so then it hit me, why not cook the noodles in the microwave and grill the chicken, then put it all in the oven? I came up with that all on my own by the way  
*Jane stands next to John, then whispers to him what he should do. He grabs a bowl and puts water in it, covers it, then puts it in the microwave. He cuts up some herbs as he waits for the time to end so he can grill the other food. Roxy is putting her chicken stock in another pot, then her puree and her herbs. She decides to ditch the rest of the meat all together, then starts working on a topping made of kale.*  
Jane: Wow, Roxy, you're doing really well at this.  
Roxy: thanks :p *Roxy has leftover pumpkin, and decides to eat it whole like an apple. Jane’s eyes light up as she watches Roxy completely cover herself in pumpkin pulp.*  
Jane: Roxy, you are a wonderful human being, I’m so sad you might have to die.   
Roxy: you are too ;D wait did you say die?  
Jane: John get a move on! You can use the grill now!  
*Roxy continues her escapades, crisping up some biscuits to go with her pumpkin soup, while John is forgetting how to use a grill. He finally figures it out, then when no one is looking, makes the flames go higher so that his food will cook faster. He accidentally burns one half of the chicken, cooking the other half correctly. He cuts up the chicken some more, then grabs a pot. He throws the chicken into it, then the noodles that he forgot to take out of the microwave. He puts them into the oven, almost forgetting the herbs, which he throws in like confetti. Then he throws it into the oven. He stares at the knobs in confusion. Jane sits next to the stove.*  
Jane: Hey John?   
John: um, jane im kind of busy right now   
Jane: Have I ever told you that you are a disgrace to the Crocker Legacy? Because the Condesce herself wanted you to know that. I wasn’t going to tell you, but I felt it was important, considering the circumstances.   
John: look, jane, i know everyone hates me today could you just show me the-  
*Jane turns the oven on by pushing the ON/OFF button. John relaxes and sits in front of the oven, staring at his food until it’s done.*  
*Roxy and John are staring at their food cooking when Jane gets up and reveals to them the last sabotage.*  
Jane: Oh, just for you both to know, there is one last sabotage. If you buy this sabotage, you will force your opponent to plate their food immediately. Say goodbye to hot soup! Warm at best! The bidding will start at 300!   
Roxy: 400!  
John: *desperately* 500!   
John: My food isn’t even boiling, I need every last second I can get.   
Roxy: 600!   
Roxy: i’m spending every last penny on this, john doesn’t stand a chance of being ruling champion with this   
John: 800!  
Roxy: 900!  
John: 1000!   
Roxy: 1100!   
John: 1300!   
Roxy: 1400!   
John: 15-  
Jane: Oooooh, sorry to break it to you John, but you only have 1300 dollars. That means that the sabotage goes to my gal Roxy! John, you have five minutes to get your food together.   
*John spends 4 out of 5 minutes letting his food cook and grabbing an oven mitt. Then he takes it out and stirs it together, then puts it in multiple bowls, not taking too much time to think of presentation. He places the bowls on the table up front, then falls to the floor in fatigue.*  
John: if i had to choose whether to fight or cook for my life, i think id rather just take neither and die uggggggh  
Meenah: what a LOS-ER  
All of the others: Agreed  
*Roxy has a few more minutes to finish cooking her food and then putting it all in bowls, taking plenty of time with presentation and her topping. Then she walks up the front and pokes at John.*  
Roxy: you okay there, bud?   
John: no   
*Roxy lifts John back to his feet, then they watch as Karkat walks down the stairs.*  
Jane: Well, your time is up Roxy! Which means that we will have our judge Karkat judge your soups! Judge Karkat, here are our chefs Roxy and John. Well, you know John.   
Karkat: YEAH I F☐CKING KNOW JOHN HEY JOHN YOU MOTHERF☐CKER  
John: *smiling* hey karkat   
Karkat: AND I DONT EVEN KNOW WHO THIS F☐CK IS BUT WHO GIVES A SH☐T ITS TIME FOR SOME F☐CKING SOUP   
Jane: Please, Karkat, could you please refrain from swearing. I don’t want to have to do anything to you, by order of the condesce, if you just so happen not to listen to me.  
Karkat: THE CONDESCE??? YOURE WORKING FOR BETTY CROCKER???? YOU DIDNT F☐CKING INFORM ME ABOUT THIS JANE???! I FEEL BETRAYED???????????????  
Jane: Oh, I just got a call and I’m going to have to say you’re going to feel a lot more than betrayed in a sec.  
Karkat: WHAT THE F☐CK DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME JANE?   
Jane: Nothing, nothing, just step here and prepare to eat Roxy’s beautiful bowl of soup. I’m not biased I promise. Now make sure that you're facing the camera, that your back is perfectly away from it…  
Karkat: YOURE BEING AWFULLY SPECIFIC ABOUT THIS JANE SHOULD I BE CONCERNED???   
Jane: No, no, why would you think that Karkat now f☐cking do what I say.   
Roxy: um, calm down janey please...okay judge karkl-  
Karkat: DON’T EVEN F☐CKING THINK ABOUT IT   
Roxy: okay, okay, judge karkat this is my pumpkin soup with a kale and pumpkin seed topping, i hope you enjoy it   
Karkat: IT LOOKS LIKE AN ORANGE SLUSHIE COVERED IN DISGUSTING LEAVES WHY THE F☐CK DOES IT LOOK LIKE THAT   
Jane: You know, I feel a little better about having to do this now that he’s been an ass to you   
Karkat: JANE WOULD YOU PLEASE SHUT THE F☐CK UP I NEED TO TRY THIS ORANGE GUNK OF A SOUP  
*Karkat stands up to the podium and tries a bit of soup delicately. He sniffs in the warm soup and takes in all of the flavor. He opens his mouth as he prepares to give his commentary.*  
Karkat: WELL FIRST OF ALL B☐TCH ASPKJSDGHA;HDFA;KSDHFJ;ADFJ   
*Karkat starts spamming/spazzing out and Roxy seems concerned.*  
Roxy: Was it that bad?   
*Karkat falls face flat into the soup, then drags his entire body onto the floor. He starts bleeding out, and Jane is holding a giant red spork, but no one can tell if it's red naturally or from the blood bleeding out of Karkat’s back.*  
Jane: Sorry about that. I think we’ll take an intermission, and a reminder to all the folks at home that the Stick a Cancer in Fork soup drive is still going on, so don’t miss it-  
*The footage cuts out until it returns to the set, the blood all cleaned up, and Terezi is stepping down the stairs. She’s wearing her usual outfit, but blood splattered, and has a red piece of cloth tied around her eyes, and is wearing a red apron.*  
Terezi: WH4T’S UP GUYS? MISS M3? 1’V3 B33N DO1NG MY OWN COOK1NG H3H3 SUP 1 H34RD JOHN W4S H3R3? WHO’S H3R3?   
*She walks up to John and licks him, then sniffs him, then licks the floor where Karkat was*  
Terezi: W3LL TH4T S33MS TO B3 JOHN, 4ND W41T TH1S T4ST3S L1K3…  
Jane: Terezi, please, could you please refrain from licking anything but the food? We have asked you to be here so that you could act as a temporary judge  
Terezi: 1M SUSP1C1OUS...WHO AR3 YOU?  
*She licks Jane’s face then sniffs her.*  
Terezi: HMMM, ST1LL DON’T RECOGN1Z3 YOU HOW 4BOUT YOU??? I N33D TO KNOW WHO AR3 TH3 SUSP3CTS OF TH3 CR1M3 SC3N3  
*Terezi licks Roxy’s face then sniffs her. Roxy giggles.*  
Terezi: HMM, BUBBL3GUMMY FLAVOR HMMM… STILL DON’T KNOW YOU? WH4T FOOD DO YOU H4V3 4NYW4YS?   
Roxy: it’s a pumpkin soup *she wipes off the saliva*   
Terezi: W3LL 1T LOOOOKS GR34T FROM WH4T 1 CAN TELL H3H3H3   
*Instead of grabbing a spoon she sniffs at the new bowl of soup and licks up the entirety of the bowl’s contents, slurping it down.*  
Terezi: 1T TASTES GOOD L1KE 1 C4N T3LL 1TS R34LLY OR4NG3 C4US3 OF THE PUMPK1N AND 1 C4N T3LL TH4T TH4T K4L3 IS FOR CONTR4ST BUT IM GOING TO BE HON3ST THAT THAT K4L3 TASTES GROSS AND 1 W4NT TO PUK3 1T ON TH3 FLOOR BUT OTHERWISE THE FLAVOR IS GREAT ID LICK THIS BOWL AGAIN FOR SURE   
*Terezi licks Roxy again before moving on*  
Roxy: is that how you say thank you on alternia?   
Terezi: NO   
*Terezi moves onto John, as he tries to describe his dish. Terezi is sniffing for clues as she tries to deduce the crime scene.*  
John: so uh, this is my soup, its got chicken and noodles and some random herbs i grabbed from the shelf... i mean, it doesn’t look like much but   
Terezi: 1 WOULDN’T KNOW JOHN YOU’R3 JUST MAK1NG TH1S WORS3 FOR YOURS3LF 1MM4 34T 1T NOW OKAY???   
*Terezi licks up the entirety of the bowl and slurps down all the noodles.*  
Terezi: JOHN WHY 1S ONLY H4LF OF WH4T3V3R SQU1SHY SUBST4NCE 1N MY MOUTH COOK3D? AND THE OTH3R H4LF 1S BURN3D? 4ND TH3S3 NOODL3S, W3LL THOS3 4R3 F1N3 BUT TH3R3S NOTH1NG 3LS3? 4LSO 1TS COLD? 1 3XP3CT3D SOM3 MOR3 T4STY COLORS JOHN? WH4T YOU H4V3 1S F1N3 BUT 1TS JUST TH4T 1TS F1N3?   
John: okay…  
Jane: Okay, Judge Terezi, we will reconvene and decide who should be the WINNER OF CUTTHROAT KITCHEN!  
*Jane and Terezi get together, but Terezi doesn’t talk to her. She just stands in silence with a hand on her chin.*  
John: i think i’m going to win because this game is rigged for me betty crocker wants the least amount of survivors as possible…  
Roxy: i think i might have the chance of winning cause trizzy licked me twice unlike john so therefore, just like janey, she is biased. none of this has to do with cooking ability, its all about bias   
Jane: Terezi has come to her decision and she says that the   
Terezi: TH3 K1LL3R 1S YOU!!!   
*Terezi points her walking staff at Jane’s throat.*  
John: well, as they say, that was one hell of a mystery no one thought was a mystery   
Jane: Terezi dear, you’re not that kind of judge, please now tell them my, I mean, our conclusion of who should be the winner...please point that away from me.   
Roxy: hey, terezi, you could at least tell us the winner before you threaten Jane  
John: yeah dude what’s up with that   
Jane: Yes the winner is…  
Terezi: ROXY! 1S TH4T WH4T YOU W4NT3D? NOW C4N 1 D34L W1TH TH1S B1TCH?  
Jane: Silly Terezi, she meant John! John you are the winner, here is your 1300 dollars…  
Terezi: WH4T? TH1S 1S S1CK I M34NT WH4T I S41D! TH3R3 1S NO JUST1F14BL3 R34SON FOR H1M TO W1N! THAT WAS D1SGUST1NG 1 WAS BEING MERC1FUL W1TH MY JUDG3M3NT! YOUR3 A MURD3R3R YOU H4VE NO SAY 1N TH1S   
John: hey terezi this isnt like that one time you uh almost had me killed to create a parallel universe right?  
Terezi: WH4T NO?? YOUR COOK1NG JUST SUCKS   
John: well, thanks for that   
Roxy: woah, i can’t believe im the winner of cutthroat kitchen bye john   
John: good job, guess its my time to leave  
*John waves goodbye, putting the rest of his money on the table. Jane looks flabbergasted. She tries to stop him from leaving, but he’s gone before she can say anything.*  
Roxy: wooo! look at all this money I earned! $0 and 0¢!   
*Roxy jumps up and down as she pretends to let it rain with all the money she didn’t earn. Terezi and Jane clap. Then Terezi sniffs toward Jane. Jane slowly inches away until she breaks out into a run.*  
Meenah: WOOO G-ET H-ER! I WANNA WATC)( ANOTH-ER FIG)(T!   
*Meenah runs down the bleachers of the audience stands to see the action. Aranea can be seen reluctantly following her.*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On the next episode of Cutthroat Kitchen: The Judges will battle each other to decide the winner of the third and final Cutthroat Kitchen Homestuck Edition!  
> Upcoming new series:  
> Prequel to the Cutthroat Kitchen - Chopped: Alternia  
> Sequel to Cutthroat Kitchen- Worst Chefs on Alternia  
> This work was not sponsored by Betty Crocker, at least not willingly


End file.
